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Rush Limbaugh to Receive Oral-Anal Transplant

WASHINGTON, DC - Conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh has undergone the world’s first successful oral-anal transplant. The procedure, pioneered by Dr. Kenneth Fargonian of Bethesda Naval Hospital, involves surgically removing the patient’s anus and mouth, swapping them with one another, and then reattaching the organs. “The poor man,” said Dr. Fargonian. “He has been suffering [...]

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McCain’s Gay Twin Exposed

One of the best kept secrets in Washington was revealed yesterday when John McCain’s heretofore unknown identical twin brother came forward to announce his existence and the fact that he is gay. “I am here, I am queer, and yes, I am a McCain,” said Leopold McCain, to a stunned audience. Leopold so resembles his brother, [...]

The LexiCON: Conservative Lingo Exposed

mar · riage (mar' ij) n. Union between a man and the woman he will eventually leave for his younger, more attractive mistress. SEE: JOHN MCCAIN. #

com·pas·sion·ate con·ser·va·tive n. Expression used to make right-wing lawmakers and their heartless policies seem a lot nicer. USAGE: "The compassionate conservative voted against medical care for the homeless." #

in-tel-li-gent de-sign (in-tel-i-juhnt di-zahyn) n. Term invented to trick school districts into teaching creationism. USAGE: "The universe was created by Intelligent Design. Republicans, not so much." #

ac-tiv-ist judge (ak' tiv ist juj) n. the doctrine that anytime a court's ruling is contrary to one's own opinion, the justice shall be referred to as an "activist judge." USAGE: "The order for the Senator to stay 300 feet away from elementary schools was given by an activist judge." #